


No Right Way to Love

by aflawedfashion



Series: Tales of Zeph and Fairuza [3]
Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Female Friendship, Gen, angst with an optimistic ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 05:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16011029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: After Pip's death, Zeph goes to Fairuza for comfort.Note: This fits in line with my previous Zeph/Fairuza fic, but it can also stand on it's own. There's nothing very sexual or romantic between them in this particular fic as Zeph seeks comfort while she comes to terms with Pip's death.





	No Right Way to Love

Fairuza flicked a used condom into the trash and kicked a pair of handcuffs into a growing pile of toys in need of washing. Cleaning up after a particularly wild session was her least favorite aspect of a job she loved, but she hated the idea of paying someone else to do it. She wasn’t even sure it was legal to pay someone to clean up after this kind of disaster without a signed waiver and a biohazard suit. It certainly didn’t feel morally right. Although, knowing her client base, she could probably find someone eagerly willing to pay her to kick them into a filthy room and shove a mop in their hands. Definitely, something to keep in mind.

She reached for a leather harness dangling from the ceiling fan when she heard soft steps approaching the room. Assuming it was her last client nervously plotting to rip her off, she said, “You got exactly what you paid for,” and tugged at the harness until she freed it from the ceiling fan. “I have other clients, you know. I can’t devote all my ti-” her voice stopped working mid-sentence as she laid eyes on the broken woman standing in her doorway.

“Sorry.” Zeph’s voice cracked on the short word. Her eyes were hollow. Her face was pale. She looked like a ghost inhabiting the shell of Zeph’s body. “If you’re busy, I’ll go.” She forced a pitiful smile onto her face and turned to leave. “I don’t want to get in the way.”

“Wait, Zeph, I didn’t know it was you.” Fairuza tossed the harness into the pile and rushed forward to grab Zeph’s arm. “My last client is pushy, always trying to get more out of me than he paid for. I thought you were him.”

“Oh.” Zeph nodded. “Well, I’m not him.” She furrowed her brow. “Your last client, I mean. That’s not me.” She glanced at Fairuza’s toy pile. “I don’t have all the parts needed to use those. Definitely not your last client.” 

“I can see that.” Fairuza bit back a smile. If Zeph weren’t obviously in some kind of trouble, Fairuza would have found her rambling adorable.

“Yeah, of course you can... I’m not thinking straight.” She took a breath and began unloading her jumbled thoughts. “I’ve been traveling all day. Well, not all day. I stopped. I had to stop. To eat.” Her words rapidly ran together like they always did, but her voice was monotone and her eyes troublingly unfocused. “They say people aren’t hungry after something like this happens, but that’s not true for me. I eat like a horse when I feel like shit. I always think it will make me feel better, but it never does. It can’t. I don’t think anything can help right now.” 

Zeph met Fairuza’s gaze with a desperate look in her eyes. “So I came here because I was hoping you might have a room I could stay in…” She held up a hand apologetically. “Just for a little while. Like I said, I don’t want to get in the way of your life. I know you have a lot going on.”

“Hey,” Fairuza took Zeph’s hand in her own, gently squeezing her fingers. “I always have time for you.” She smiled, hoping to convey her sincerity despite the gesture seeming utterly inappropriate. “Are you ok?” Of course she wasn’t ok. “What happened?” 

“I… um…” Zeph’s eyes darted to the side, what little remained of her composure falling away as tears spilled from her bloodshot eyes. She looked like she might collapse at any moment. “He…”

Fairuza brushed a tear from Zeph’s cheek, a knot twisting in her stomach. “You can tell me.” 

“Pip’s dead.” Zeph took a deep, shaky breath, wobbling her head like she didn’t believe it. 

“Fuck.“ Fairuza pulled Zeph into a tight embrace, her body going suddenly numb. “I’m so sorry. I know how close you two were.”

“He died, and now I can’t go back to Team Awesome Force. They’re looking a whole lot less awesome right now, but I didn’t want to be alone, and as soon as I thought of you, I knew this is where I needed to be.”

“You came to the right place.” Fairuza closed her eyes and whispered into Zeph’s hair, “No one’s ever alone here.” 

“I don’t have enough to cover your hourly rate for more than…” Zeph paused almost imperceptibly to do the math in her head. “23.4 hours.” 

“Don’t worry,” Fairuza said. “I wouldn’t dream of charging you.”

“Thank you… thank you, thank you, thank you,” Zeph repeated until her voice failed and she buried her tear-stained face in Fairuza’s shoulder. 

Zeph clutched Fairuza’s shirt, her fingernails digging into her back. Fairuza wanted to say something comforting, but every thought that came to mind felt painfully inadequate, so she stared at the chains hanging from the wall, focusing on keeping her breath steady, on being the rock Zeph needed her to be. 

She wished she could whisk her away from the sex toys and torture devices. The room was designed to tease and to torment, not to comfort. Zeph didn’t belong here in her current state, but Fairuza refused to move a muscle until Zeph was ready.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” Zeph whispered. “How can that obnoxious little man just be gone?”

“He’s not gone - he’s just somewhere else,” Fairuza said. “I know in my heart there is more to humanity than what we understand. That obnoxious little man is out there somewhere making his mark on the next phase of his existence, annoying the shit out of whoever’s in charge of this fucked up universe.”

Zeph let out a sobbing laugh. “I hope you’re right. At least right now, I need to hope you’re right.” 

“Me too,” Fairuza said. “Me too,” she repeated, her voice barely audible. 

Zeph pulled away from the hug. “I carve up bodies. I watch people die. If I know one thing for sure, it’s that death is the only thing we can count on in this life, so why does it hurt so much?” Zeph searched Fairuza’s eyes like a child hunting for an honest answer to an impossible question. “Death is logical. It’s science. It’s everything I love, everything I believe in, and all I want to do is reject it.”

“Because you loved him, and love isn’t logical.”

Zeph furrowed her brow, barely containing another wave of tears. “That’s what that feeling was?”

Fairuza nodded, a hint of a smile forming on her face. “Yeah.”

“I loved him...” Zeph said as if she were trying to come to terms with learning she wasn’t human. “I loved him, and I didn’t even realize it until it was too late.” Zeph smiled and brushed her tears away with her sleeve. “I never thought love was for me.”

“Love is for everyone.” 

“Not people like me.” Zeph shook her head. “People like me, well, we, we don’t know how to love the way everyone else does. And now, I can’t help but think that was my only chance at love, and I screwed it up because I am the way I am. What if I never fall in love the right way?”

“There is no right way to love someone, Zeph. Love exists in a million ways, not just the one way poets write about. Love isn’t limited to longing glances and holding hands. The way you loved Pip was real and valid, and the way you love again will be equally valid.” 

“How can you be sure?” 

“Because I need to believe it just as much as you do.” Fairuza wrapped an arm around Zeph’s side, resting her hand on her lower back. “But today’s not the day to think about loving someone else or what love means to you. Today, you just need someone to be there for you, so come with me.”

“Where?”

“Home.” Fairuza smiled. “I have cake, alcohol, and terrible soap operas we can make fun of until the sun comes up.” 

“Soap operas and cake?” Zeph raised her eyebrows. “Not whips and chains and sex swings?”

“Only if that’s what you want.”

“I’m not sure what I want.” 

“We’ll figure it out.”

“Ok.” Zeph nodded, forcing another pitiful smile onto her face, a hint of genuine happiness peeking out from behind her overwhelming sorrow. “You know, you’re surprisingly sweet for a dominatrix who leaves foreskin separators lying around just to intimidate people.” 

“That’s supposed to be a secret.” Fairuza nudged Zeph with her shoulder. “Promise not to tell any of my clients.” 

Zeph wrapped her arm around Fairuza’s back, their arms touching as they walked out the door. “I promise.” 


End file.
